times in which i am decidedly not angry at google

dead end path @ the brewery

You guys, the invention of referrer logs for search strings is one of the greatest things that has ever happened on the internet. Do you have any idea what kind of random stuff people search for? (If you have a website yourself, you are well-aware of this.) It’s amazing. And this is one thing that Google is really, really good at, so I thought I would answer some questions for you guys, based on search strings that I have received recently or repeatedly.

Behind the jump, a deep look into the completely fucked-up psyches of so many human beings:

  • dustin ackley april 6 2010: I have no idea why this is one of my top ten search strings, because it seems so specific and random. But also: I have no idea what Dusty was doing on that date last year. Playing one of his first games for AA West Tennessee, I would guess. He sucked in April, so he probably struck out a couple of times.
  • what kind of bats does unc use: we’ve covered this, y’all. Nike makes bats. UNC is a Nike school. Ergo, UNC uses Nike bats. This year, they were all red.
  • slingshot cash from aftermath to exile mediafire download: whoever is searching for a free download of the Cowboy’s album, stop it. You can buy it on iTunes. Go buy it. This is the wrong blog to hit if you’re looking to steal that album.
  • smith westerns ha ha tonka best albums so far 2011: I concur, internet searcher. I concur. They are!
  • fret guts tickets for tar: I have no idea what this means, but I am guessing that these searchers were not interested in either my photos of Fret Sounds, Brian Haran’s lovely guitar shop, or my deep fondness for St. Guts, Mormon Pitcher And Receiver of No Run Support Because Robert Andino Is Currently Our Second Baseman Extraordinaire.
  • what kind of food is in a baseball stadium that would be in north carolina?: well, the stadium in Zebulon serves fried catfish sandwiches.
  • song about finding a box in the attic: Jim Avett has one of those, internet denizens. It’s good.
  • is beer served during the acc baseball championship: there are all kinds of weird NCAA regulations about serving alcohol at college events, but you should be able to get a drink of some variety at the ACC Baseball Tournament in Durham at the DBAP this weekend. You might have to drink it in the tiny bar on the concourse, but you will not have to watch Wake Forest unlubricated. Thank God.
  • sean coyle minor league baseball redsox: I like search strings that basically seem like statements and the searcher is just looking for confirmation. Yes, Sean Coyle is with the Red Sox’s Low-A team. During the Yankees/Red Sox brawl a few weeks ago, he got popped in the nose by somebody. His older brother is UNC’s starting second baseman and season leader in stolen bases.
  • seth avett and cat: if someone has a photo of this, I want it.
  • are the avett brothers carolina basketball fans?: they went to ECU, so I doubt it. But they might be! I have no idea.
  • serve beer at united center ncaa tournament and serve beer during ncaa united center: jeez, people, you’re really concerned about whether or not you can get sauced during NCAA events. Although if I had to watch Big 10 basketball, I would be, too.
  • they play this song at us cellular field and everyone does this: what song? Does WHAT? Don’t trust White Sox fans, internet.
  • love college baseball: I do! I do!
  • buster posey “degree in”: being a goddamned badass, that’s what. Like Florida State actually gives out degrees anyway.
  • what type of photography is it called when it looks indie: hipster bullshit?
  • best funk albums of 2010: if you found a list, internet searcher, please leave a link in the comments. I, too, am interested in this.
  • what to do to complain about the blue jays new baseball song: bitch on Twitter, I would guess.
  • trevor bauer wierdo: he is, but you might have more luck if you spelled “weirdo” right.
  • make me last cow: internet, I don’t even want to know. But you might want to talk to some people about that desire.
  • slobberbone rumors: ooooooh, I don’t know any off-hand, but let’s make some up!
  • fantastic photography: I think that’s subjective, but, hey, thanks. You were a big ego boost, anonymous internet stranger, on a day I really, really needed one.

There. Don’t you feel more sane? At least you’re not my random internet searchers.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. M. says:

    what type of photography is it called when it looks indie: hipster bullshit?

    God damn, I love you!

  2. I do love referrer blogs for search strings. They amuse me.

    re: what to do to complain about the blue jays new baseball song

    I really wish I knew what song they’re complaining about!! We used to get Pirates of the Caribbean theme music before the line-ups, and for a while there was this random “hey we don’t have SARS anymore get pumped for the 9th inning” music, but I haven’t noticed any new songs lately.

    Unless they mean individual players’ at-bat music?

  3. pam says:

    a few of mine, and now, hopefully, they will be a few of yours, also!

    – blue balls girls dont understand (…i think we do, actually.)
    – books written by mike ness (AHAHAAHAHAHAAH WHAT oh my god no)
    – broadway hipsters (what)
    – how to decide if you look like a movie star (….)
    – my text messaging address (really? you need to google that?)
    – when things are already fucked up, you should at least enjoy it (agreed.)
    – what is stilted dialog and affected prose? (how is that a thing people google?)

  4. lana says:

    this gave me a really, really good laugh, bb.

  5. Tom Strouse says:

    My question… is Dustin Ackley an Avett Brothers fan? My son and I have a bet. I’m guessing he is.

    1. I wish I could remember what he batted to in college … I suspect his taste in country music is a little more mainstream.

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