i haven’t finished a thing since i started my life/i don’t feel much like starting now
Over this past weekend, and the week before that, I’ve had multiple conversations with multiple people about the things that are making me craziest right now — and one of them, the big one, is my current and always inability to just do the things I want or need to do. I have lists! I have goals! And fear of rejection, or fear of failure, or fear of other people’s reactions, or complete laziness, stops me cold every time.
In the last three years, I’ve spent a lot of time focused inward — I left a bad relationship, a relationship that wounded and held me back for many years, three years ago next month, and I’ve spent the intervening years trying to find myself again. Trying to figure out who I am as a single adult, and trying to figure out what drives me. And through all that, I’m still living in fear most of the time. I’m terrified of publicists, terrified of being laughed at, terrified of seeming like I’m, I don’t know, social climbing or scene queening it up when I’m out shooting. (I’m not. At this point, I know too many musicians to ever want to date one of them. Horrifying.) Terrified I’m saying the wrong thing, hurting people I love, being an idiot, offending someone. Just — scared of life. Easier to live in the computer and read books and exist in my own drifty little world. So the items on my to-do list still don’t get finished, even when I want to take them on. I don’t send follow-up emails, even though I know I should. I haven’t gotten a portfolio site together. I have big projects in my photographic sights, and I can’t make myself do the leg work to make them happen.
We’re almost halfway through 2010. I’m tired of being scared and insecure and feeling like I’ve left everything unfinished. I was listening to the Avett Brothers yesterday, I & Love & You, and while I adore all of that album, “Incomplete & Insecure” is my favorite track of all of them, even including “Kick Drum Heart”, a song I feel at the center of my chest whenever I listen to it.
But I’m done. “Incomplete & Insecure” is not going to be a song I feel kinship with anymore. It’s going to be my kickstart. I sent emails that scare me this morning. I’m crossing things off my to-do list. Thanks to a shove in a new direction by Megan, I’m going to launch a real site sometime in the next two weeks. I’m making my follow-up process easier, I’m deciding to stop taking no personally. I’m a big girl, I know how to be an adult in a world that often freaks me out and makes me feel small, and I’m going to do this shit.